Something Different...

My last blog reminded me of a phenomenon that I've been meaning to discuss. Bears. No not the large omnivorous animals that now terrorize suburbia, nor the large hairy men that garner some sort of following in the homosexual community. I'm describing something that actually seems to happen to me a lot. I tend to congregate with groups of unavailable women. Most of them I'm planted firmly in the friend zone, some are married, some have boyfriends, and some don't date guys that use words like "omnivorous" and "congregate". Not a big deal, I appreciate the symbiotic nature of the relationship. Much like the rhinos and the small birds that eat the insects that try and nettle the rhinos, we each have a purpose. The ladies purpose is simple, they keep me from looking like someone who just buried a body near the railroad tracks, making it easier for me to try and pick up women and go home with fake numbers and memories of dirty looks. They also have advanced scouting information, somewhat like a spider sense about other women in the bar which can come in handy. My purpose is even easier, seeing as I'm the size of an offensive lineman, my job is to block. Generally I stand near the back of the group and keep my eyes open. Usually a couple of looks or strategic positioning keep the socially maladjusted away. However, lets go over the bear situation.

The reference is based on some old tricks I learned in boy scouts. Its very simple, If you keep your campsite clean and don't leave treats out, the bears won't come bother you. However if you leave an open case of Ho-Hos in the middle of the campground, you will be overrun by woodland creatures. In the case of the bears at the bar, typically they tend to be men that are obviously not dating material, usually older, sometimes misshapen, and mostly don't have anything to offer. Basically me in two years. What generally happens is after a few drinks the bears will get close, and one of the girls will either make eye contact or not pay attention and allow the bear to approach the campground. Then if I have my A game and the girls realize what is going on the fences go up and Yogi and Boo Boo don't grab the picnic basket. My Ranger Smith impression is successful. However, what tends to happen is the girls in an effort to be polite or adventurous engage the animals on mutual ground. I call this "feeding the bears", its not recommended because it makes my job harder. Once a bear has been fed, I have a single purpose of removing that bear from the campground. Once I am focused on that task it makes it easier for other bears to start sniffing around. Sometimes they are deflected, sometimes the campground is overrun, and I have to go start drinking heavily so I can with stand the painful stories I will hear when the bar closes.

People sometimes ask me if I have advice on how to pick a girl up in a bar. I laugh and laugh until I realize they are serious. I have no game, if that isn't obvious I don't know what is. I intellectualize everything, I'm generally antisocial towards strangers, and I'm certainly not model material. I generally run the anti-game, which is I sit at the bar and try to avoid listening to the diatribes of the unwashed masses. Eventually either someone approaches me or I get thrown into an unavoidable conversation. This actually works pretty well, its not exactly proactive, but generally you at least meet someone that has something to say. Occasionally if I'm feeling saucy, I'll be on the look out for eye contact, and then go talk to someone. I don't have any real pick up lines other than "you got a perty mouth" or "you'd look real nice in the trunk of my car". Those don't seem to work so well, I think its the audience though. I hate small talk because frankly I don't care, and I really hate casual dating even more, so the chances of anything materializing from my witty repartee, is slim. A lot of times my best bet is when I'm working, if I'm at the front door I get first shot at any girl in the place. I usually ask how everyone is doing, most people don't answer, if a girl seems genuinely interested in how I am doing, then I either compliment them or make fun of them, either way I can find out if they have a sense of humor, and then I at least have a foot in the door. Unfortunately, I don't run game as well as I blog. Besides most of my references are lost on people anyway. My advice though for anyone is don't pop your collar, do be funny, and be nice to the bouncer, because he can tell you where all the ho's be at and which ones brought some other dude home last night.

Pittsburgh story is forth coming.